By Constance Larkin

PLAINVIEW, MARCH 8th - The flavor engineers at the Plainview Institute of Technology have been responsible for some of the most important advancements in flavor science. Local flavor-geneticist Douglas Crane has been attempting to contribute to that legacy of progress for the last several years. Unfortunately, his name has been associated with some of the biggest scientific mishaps in recent memory. In his latest public embarrassment, an attempt to isolate and enhance flavor genes in a common jersey cow resulted instead in an unintended mutation in his test subject. Dr. Crane has apologized to the PIT community for attracting so much negative attention, but insists that he will vindicated by history. "The next flavor revolution could come from anywhere. Someone has to be willing to take these sort of risks." However, prominent members of the flavor science community haven't all been swayed by these bold claims. PIT Chairman of Food Science Stephen Ford had this to say, "Crane does not represent the food science community here at the Institute. We had a lot of problems with these sort of oversized personalities in the seventies and eighties, but I assure you, our commitment is to doing safe, humane and ethically sound research."

By George Walter

PLAINVIEW, MARCH 7th - The entryway to a complex network of tunnels was discovered Thursday afternoon on the property of a local landowner. Authorities responding to a report of trespassing found a group of school children gathered around what appeared to be a long abandoned tunnel. Further investigation revealed a series of passageways connecting nearly every part of the town. A special team of Geologists, Physicists and paranormal researchers from the local technical college have been deputized by the Plainview Police Department and will prepare a full survey of the tunnels over the next few weeks. Based on a preliminary telemetric survey, some passageways
seem to date back to before the first recorded histories of the area. Leader of the proposed expedition described the findings in this way. "If what we're seeing is
accurate, the tunnels would be the best evidence we have of an advanced society that may have existed in Plainview as long ago as the last ice age."

By Dale Wilmer

PLAINVIEW, March7th 2011-Police officers responding to a report of a burglary in progress arrived at Dan's Automotive on Thursday night to find that their work had been done for them. A robbery attempt had been stymied by the 30 foot balloon mascot that store owner Dan McCloud had installed earlier in the month. Security footage of the incident is hard to make out, but it seems that a combination of gusty winds and a faulty cable may have contributed to what onlookers described as a wrestling match between the would be felon and the inflatable colossus. "I couldn't be happier if I had stopped him with my
own two hands!" McCloud said to reporters. However, due to the potential risk posed to pedestrians, the mascot has been retired.
"He's coming home with me," says McCloud, "And if any one is trying to break in to my house they better think twice."

By Frank Stocker

PLAINVIEW, March 7th,2011-After an unexpected turn in weather conditions last Wednesday, Plainview's newly built defense shield self activated and for a few hours residents could neither enter nor exit the town's outer perimeter. Smythe Corp. has claimed full responsibility for the incident and assured reporters during a news conference Thursday that the situation has been remedied. Dr.Eugene Banks, chief engineer in the Defense Shield Project, tried to reassure critics of the program in a brief statement. “Although we regret the inconvenience caused to commuters on Wednesday, this incident has demonstrated the incredible response time and effectiveness of the Defense Shield.” Not everyone was convinced. Stephen Ford, a local neighborhood organizer had questions that he felt hadn’t been addressed. “What is the Shield for anyway?” The Defense Shield was deactivated early Thursday morning and will be given a complete overhaul before going back online next week.In a radio address broadcast Thursday evening, the Mayor reminded Plainview citizens of his campaign pledge to keep the city safe from all possible threats.

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